Marei - book one. Part three: Shadow. Chapter 24

When I awoke the next morning, I was curled tightly into my cloak, surrounded by a thick heavy mist. The brilliant sunny day from before was gone, replaced by nothing but gray. The outside of my cloak was dampened by the constant touch of the low hanging clouds and the ground all around was spongy with the slight water absorption. As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sat up, everything but the trees was awash in the monochromatic color scheme of the day. The gentle surf from yesterday had built and riled slightly as the clouds had drawn in and from the smell of the air, a storm was brewing for the afternoon.

I shivered and wrapped the edges of the cloak around me as I hunched into a ball, pulling my bent knees up under my chin and wrapping my arms around my shins. The confidence I had felt the previous night had fled and now I only felt lonely and melancholy. So much of the life I had come to count on was now uncertain and though I knew that uncertainty was part of the life of a Sacred Wanderer, I still felt tied to the expectations I had brought with me from the start of my training.

What would life be like without Grandmother at the House? I thought about all of the candidates who were vying for the position of Steward and wondered if I’d be able to feel as comfortable with any of them as I did with Grandmother. Of course I knew that was a silly question; not only had I been living with Grandmother for over a year, I associated my own family with her, even though the family I thought was mine was only fostering me while I grew.

Though it was selfish, I vehemently hoped that Maeve would not be the one chosen to replace me. I had no delusions that if she and Claudius were in the same house for months on end, she would choose to continue the intimate physical relationship she started last night after the Beltane fires burned out. As her shadow for an additional three months, I knew I would not be able to bear witness to their union when I wanted so much for him to be in my bed. Though I knew the choice was not mine to make, and that the Goddess was infinitely wiser than I, I still sent a fervent prayer skyward that anyone else be chosen.

But what if none of the women who volunteered were chosen? Who then would continue to guide me, and who could offer Claudius the healing he both needed and deserved? I shook my head to clear the worry out of it as I heard the soft murmur of Grandmother and Gurek as they woke.
Grandmother turned satisfied but sleep clouded eyes to where I was sitting and smiled at me. She rose and headed for the makeshift out house and I gratefully followed her, having already been awake for at least half an hour without relieving my full bladder.

When we finished we did not return to the grove but went back to the spot on the beach where we had set up our campsite the previous night. Gurek was carefully coaxing the few remaining coals back into a fire. In the damp misty morning, his task was proving difficult and it was some time before the fire was blazing enough to set out pots of water for breakfast. As he carefully fed the tiny fire with small branches and twigs that had been protected from the weather by a blanket, a ragged assortment of revelers found their way to us singly and in pairs to warm themselves by the fire and offer their own bits of dried wood.

Soon the fire was blazing merrily and some of the more dampened wood was able to dry then burn in the central fire. Some of the people from the celebration last night only waved as they began their journeys back to their homes, others stayed to chat. Once the first pot of water was bubbling and an exceptionally large quantity of hot tea was brewing for those who brought mugs, Claudius and Maeve stumbled sleepily into the clearing.

They both still had lines of sleep pressed into their cheeks and each of them wore a satisfied half smile as they sat together on one of the driftwood logs. Grandmother cast an appraising eye at them. I managed to look away just before she turned that same gaze on me, though I could feel where she was staring at me, trying to read my face. Strangely I was not bothered to see them together, though I felt as if I had to sneak looks at them, rather than staring outright as Grandmother had done.

Gurek brought mugs of steaming tea to both of them, and passed one to me as he sat down on the log beside Grandmother. “We’ll be needing to head up the hill fer home soon, if ye’re coming with us this day. If ye choose not to, well, then you know the way back to the crest of the hill when and if ye’re ready to return.”

Claudius let go of Maeve’s hand and stretched both arms high above his head, groaning as he woke up further. Taking a sip of the hot tea he knit his brows as he turned to look at his companion, then at me. I ducked my head rather than meet his eyes; I wanted whatever decision he made to be his alone and not influenced by my personal desires. I could feel someone looking at me and raised my head. Maeve had leveled a thoughtful gaze at me and when I looked up at her, she met my eyes without hesitation. A tiny smile curved the corner of her mouth; not a condescending or vindictive smile, but an acknowledgement of common interest between friends. I raised my eyebrows in surprise at the open compassion in her eyes and she nodded once, as if my surprise had decided some matter in her head.

Subtly, but just obviously enough so I could see it, she nudged Claudius with her elbow and whispered something in his ear that nobody but he could hear. She straightened and wound her arm through his. “I find that I’ve much preparin’ to do afore the next new moon and should’na be distracted, even by the very pleasin’ likes o’ye. So if yer plans were dependin’ on mine, I’d not change ‘em. I’ll be sleepin’ alone for the next fortnight as I prepare meself for the testin’ at the Sacred Well.”

She leaned forward conspirationally bypassing both Claudius and Gurek to speak directly to Grandmother. “That was one roll in the grove I’d be right willin’ to roll again! Ye told us at council he was sufferin’ from some malady that required yer assistance, but I can assure ye that the malady does’na lay with his knowledge of the nightly pleasures. She’s a right lucky woman that catches this foine man in her net. His male parts are more than adequately sized and his skill with lips, hands and bits is enough to rival me own.” Claudius had been trying to act nonchalant and had just quaffed a large mouthful of tea when Maeve made her announcement.

He sputtered and choked on the tea, sending a spray of liquid towards the fire as those within earshot laughed appreciatively at his embarrassment. Gurek clapped him on the back and offered him a scrap of towel to wipe his face while complimenting his apparent prowess.
I could feel my own face burning as I struggled not to imagine being the recipient of those skills. Maeve leaned back, caught my eye and winked, that same friendly half smile hidden at the corner of her mouth. She seemed to know me so well already, to be able to read the subtle cues I was trying so hard to hide. I prayed again that the Goddess would choose someone else to represent the House.

“Well lad, it seems you’ve been both rejected and praised highly. Will ye join us coming back to the house?” Claudius voice was still strained from coughing up the tea he had choked on so he only nodded, red faced at Gurek.

Shortly after we packed up the few things we had brought with us and prepared for the return journey up the hill. Grandmother and I changed back into the more sturdy clothing we usually wore, returning the spring dresses to the back packs we were carrying. The walk down hill had taken roughly half a day; the hike up hill would take most of the daylight hours, and perhaps a few of the darker ones if Grandmother was not able to keep pace.

We set out at a steady yet not brisk pace that would have enabled us to reach the crest of the hill before night fall, but after only a few hours we had to slow the pace and rest frequently. Grandmother was feeling cramps in her calves and lower belly that troubled both she and Gurek. Though neither of them spoke about it, I could see by the increase of worry lines on their faces that the cramping in her stomach had them both worried. Still, we continued up the mountain, making brief surges and resting often at Grandmother’s sign.

We stopped for an extended period to eat a cold lunch of dried meats, fruit and two day old bread. Grandmother sent me into the woods while she rested to fetch one of the herbs we had gathered together and Claudius offered to accompany me so Gurek could stay close to Grandmother. With a distracted nod, Gurek dismissed us and we slipped off the trail into the underbrush.

I was looking for a particular type of tree that preferred marshy ground and immediately began to follow a slight stream down hill to where that one type of tree might be found. Soon I came to a small bog that did indeed have one of the trees I was looking for. I carefully inspected the new growth on the branches and selected several that would serve for Grandmother to chew to relieve her pain. I was so intent on harvesting the herb once I found it that I forgot Claudius was with me until I felt his hand on my arm.

When I turned to face him, his face was red and his right hand was shaking where it hung next to his leg. “M-M-M-Marei?” He ducked his head when he heard the stammer and cleared his throat, taking several long deep breaths and clenching and releasing his hand until the trembling stopped. When he had calmed his voice he began again. “Marei, I know you have taken a vow not to speak, and I will not ask that you break that vow. But for this moment you are not a shadow and I wanted you to know something.”

His hand moved from where he had been holding my arm to my hand and he looked down at our hands instead of at my face, so I was free to watch the play of expressions as he struggled to speak again. “I accepted Maeve at the circle, well of course I accepted her, you saw that. What I meant to say is that I enjoyed myself with her; no that’s not what I meant to say at all. Obviously or maybe not so obviously she’s a woman to be enjoyed and apparently she found me pleasing too, with what she said at the fire this morning.”

He swore softly under his breath. “Dammit. This is not how I meant to approach you. I wanted to be suave and sophisticated, not a bumbling, stammering idiot who can’t put together an entire intelligent sentence. I’m such an undignified ass, mooning about over a slip of a girl who’s probably only half my age. I’m a married man. I have no right to feel this way. But Marei, what I mean to say, what I hope comes out of this unintelligible mess is that last night I wished she were you. I wished you were she and that we…” his voice cracked and broke and he cleared his throat again.

He touched the side of my face gently and met my eyes. “Ever since that first night your face has been in both my day and my night dreams. I was horribly disappointed to learn that you would not be dancing yesterday. And I’m sorry for the sudden change in your world, and in mine. Thank you for being with me during the council meeting yesterday. I might have run from them if your hand hadn’t been in mine; instead I stayed and I will stay until I have my answer because you are also waiting for yours. I feel somehow that our answers are connected. I don’t know why. I’ve never had such a feeling of helpless power before.”

He paused and I could feel the electric tension build in the air between us like the feeling in the air before a thunderstorm. I wanted him to kiss me, to take me from my training and live with me forever. He leaned forward slightly and then away. “I want to kiss you, but until I hear your words, until you can tell me with your voice that you would accept me, as boorish and ill mannered as I am, I will not.” He let go of my hand and stepped away repeating as if to convince him self, “I will not.”

“Though I want to.” This last statement was made so quietly that I almost didn’t hear it. He turned from me and ran a shaking hand through his curly hair, more tightly curled from the dampness in the air.

I was shocked. My heart was hammering so loudly in my throat that I thought I might choke on the heady rush of emotions. Almost – almost I flung my vow to the wind and spoke to him. I longed to tell him that I too had wished to be in Maeve’s place. I too wanted him to kiss me. But just when I would have opened my mouth to speak, a bright blue bird burst up from the low lying bushes between us and flew back towards where grandmother and Gurek were waiting. Right away I recognized the warning sign; the jay was a messenger of the Gods. I must hold to my vow. Unbidden, tears prickled at my eyelids as I cursed the silence.

Claudius reached toward me, looking concerned, then dropped his shaking hand and turned away. “Crush my head with a stone, Marei. P-p-pay me no mind. I spoke out of t-t-t-turn. Forgive me for p-p-presuming on your silence, and on your comp-p-pany.” His shoulders rose and fell as he heaved a large sigh. “W-w-w-we should bring those sticks back to Láidáin and Gurek. I’m sure they are w-w-w-waiting impatiently.”

He did not turn back to me, but braced his shoulders and took a deep breath, then started to walk in the same direction that the blue jay had flown. I did not follow immediately but made a show of slowly turning behind myself to collect both a few more branches and my whirling thoughts. What I had only hoped for had been spoken aloud; Claudius too felt the desire that I had been trying to deny. Once again, as last night, a surge of pure joyous energy burst through my heart and chest, leaving me breathless and dizzy with tears in my eyes- this time not of frustration, but of satisfaction.

In my head I offered up a prayer of thanks for the Gods and Goddesses who had brought our hearts together. Surely there was no greater gift than to love and be loved in return. I prayed that we would be able to endure the strict rules of my shadow-hood. It would be only too cruel to share these feelings but never be able to actualize them.

At that thought, the wind whooshed in my ears and the world seemed to tilt abnormally. A wave of unreality blew through me like a cold winter wind, tearing me from my body and smashing me back inside myself within an instant. As my spirit re-entered my body I heard a clanging sound like a giant bell that set my head ringing, and a sudden vision knocked me to my knees.

I looked up as the wave of nausea that had accompanied the noise rolled past and saw the bare, dirty feet of the man I loved. Within the vision I was aware that I was not myself as I knew me now; I could see that though my hands were my own, they were darkened by sun and showed the lines of age and hard work. I could not look higher to see the face of my beloved, though I tried. I was crying, heartbroken sobs, my tears falling on the dusty feet of my love, my husband, washing away the reddish dirt in blood colored rivulets with the salty liquid.

Just as quickly as I saw the flash of what must certainly be my future, it was gone and I was on my knees in the marshy wet moss with Claudius standing in front of me. He had one hand out, reaching down to help me up and his face was a bitter mask of self reproach and concern. I looked at his boot clad feet and wondered; was I seeing a future with Claudius or with someone else? With a grateful smile I took his hand and stood shakily. He did not speak but gathered the branches I had dropped as I wiped the remaining tears from my face.

Gratefully I accepted both the bundle of branches for Grandmother and his arm for support as we left behind the marsh and the vision, and brought the boughs back to where Grandmother and Gurek were waiting.

As we returned to the path, the clouds that had so far been content to be a lazy thick mist decided that they must now begin to rain. After a brief discussion, Grandmother and Gurek decided that continuing until we reached the house would be better than attempting to wait out the storm. Gurek insisted that from an old injury in his hand he could tell that the rain was not going to stop. He feared that if we attempted to camp on the path, Grandmother would catch a chill from the damp air. Since it was going to continue raining, he reasoned that a slow but steady ascent up the Hill would be best to keep Grandmother warm and get her home soonest.

Grandmother agreed and within minutes of our return we were on our way again. Grandmother chewed on small pieces of the branches as she climbed and it did seem to lessen, and at times stop, the cramping so we made decent time as we continued. We only paused for a few minutes to eat a cold dinner then pushed on up the Hill, racing against the dark and the full onslaught of the impending storm.

Because of the heavy clouds, dusk was earlier in coming than usual and the final hours of our journey were in the faded half light of what would have been sunset, and finally in darkness. Since the moon had been full the previous night, the darkness wasn’t absolute; even with the full cloud cover we were still able to carefully pick our way up the path, though we were slowed by the need to place our steps with caution in the deepening gloom.

Seeing the shadow of the House as we left the woods for the clearing, Grandmother cried out in relief. Gurek called Claudius to his side and the two men hurried ahead to make the House welcome. I took Grandmother’s arm and helped her across the field, careful not to move too quickly. She had run out of fresh willow branch almost an hour ago and was struggling with gritted teeth to keep moving despite the resurgent cramping. As light streamed from the windows as the men lit the lamps and candles inside the House, it seemed as if she had renewed strength and vigor. Her pace quickened as the sight of home neared in the low lying clouds. Soon after the lights, the smell of wood smoke wafted through the air, bringing the long awaited scent of warmth.

Again Grandmother increased her pace and I got the impression that though we were almost there, she was rapidly reaching the end of her strength. She leaned heavily against me during the final leg of the field, her breathing heavy and sounding labored in the still night. I put my arm around her waist and held her up as she stumbled the last few feet and into the house. Gurek was just beyond the door, placing a tea pot full of water next to the roaring fire to heat.
When the door opened and we staggered in, he practically sprang across the room, scooping Grandmother into his arms and disappearing with her into her bedroom. Claudius handed me a pile of towels that had been carefully warmed on the hearth as I followed them into the bedroom.

Gurek set Grandmother on her feet and wasted no time removing her wet clothing as if she were a small child and I leaned in to remove her sodden boots one foot at a time. He took towels from the pile and wrapped them around her until she was swaddled like a baby in the warm fabric. One more towel was rubbed against her hair to squeeze out the last of the rain. Briskly wiping the last of the water from her body, he dumped the towels in a pile and pulled a winter’s night dress on over her head. He scooped her off her feet again and tucked her under the covers, wrapping the blankets around her as if trying to tie her to the bed. He took the double thick blankets out of the chest at the bottom of the bed where they had been put in storage until the next winter and covered her with all of them.

“Marei, dry yerself off and hop into that bed to keep her warm and companioned. The lad and I will tend to what needs doin’ here tonight.” With a brusque nod at me, he pushed aside the curtain and began giving Claudius orders.

I could hear the two men talking as I stripped bare, dried off, and put on a dry night dress. I pulled aside the double thick winter blanket and climbed in between that and the usual blankets. I smiled to see that Grandmother was already asleep, her face as peaceful as a child’s. After such a long, cold day and all the emotional excitement, the warm safety of the blanket and Grandmother’s light, rhythmic snores lulled me to sleep too and neither Grandmother nor myself awoke until the next morning.